“We are what we think,” said Buddha.
But more and more scholars of human behavior claim that we are also “what we feel.”
What is it that makes us think the way we think and feel the way we feel?
In this article, I spoke about two proven and widely discussed facts by experts such as Elsa Punset and Margarita Álvarez, which affect the attitude each person adopts toward a situation:
Scientific facts about attitude that you need to know
1 – Genetics influences 70–90% of our attitude and, therefore, our happiness.
2 – The human being is negative by nature.
Our survival instinct forces us to remember negative events much more easily than positive ones — situations in which we have felt “attacked” or vulnerable. (It is estimated that around 80% of our thoughts revolve around bad memories and future worries.)
To these two scientific statements, I want to add two more that are just as important:
3 – The people you surround yourself with totally affect your behavior.
Stress, bad mood, negativity, or apathy are contagious. The good news is that joy, positivity, and positive energy… are contagious too!
4 – Your upbringing influences your attitude — a lot.
But we also know that the brain has the same ability as a muscle to adapt to the training it receives.
That’s why, just as you need an expert trainer to tell you which exercises to do, how, and how often to develop your body properly, to develop your brain you need an expert trainer to tell you which exercises to do, how, and with what frequency.
There are people genetically predisposed to be heavyset who, with proper exercises and consistency, have enviable bodies. There are people who genetically aren’t good with numbers, yet there they are — marketing directors in large companies managing statistics and NPSs.
And there are people who, when they get near a keyboard attached to a screen, manage to mess up everything they touch in a matter of minutes — and who have built three super cool websites (hello, dear “me”) even if it took them twice as long as any normal person.
BUT HOW CAN I CHANGE MY BRAIN, TRAIN IT MYSELF, TO CHANGE MY ATTITUDE AND PERCEPTION TOWARD WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?
I’m going to tell you something you won’t like: you have to change the story your brain tells you about yourself.
—“Very nice. Can you make that cheesy phrase land, please?”
Well, basically, it’s about working in the direction you want regardless of what your mind tells you — and knowing how to counter its arguments.
This means that if you are consistent enough and the challenge attracts you enough, you will achieve it. But it also means that with a trainer who already knows how to help you develop as you want, you’ll reach the result faster, with much less risk of failure.
If willpower is not your strength, you’d better sign up for a “brain gym.”
“Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.”
— B. Franklin
Everything is modifiable; everything can be adapted — even your attitude and your luck in life.
But if you’ve decided to make a change, make sure you’ve planned it well.
The problem with exercising the mind is the same as with physical exercise.
How many people do you know who’ve started practicing a sport a thousand times and always quit because they saw no results by week two?
We are very impatient, and to achieve any success in life, the first thing required is PATIENCE.
And the second, CONSISTENCY. (Or is it the other way around?)
But you know what the bad thing is? That “society” pushes us in the opposite direction: it’s getting easier to acquire things (we just have to go down to the supermarket to get some precooked cannelloni), and we increasingly crave more “freedom.” A misunderstood freedom that makes us more and more averse to commitment. And commitment is the best trainer for consistency.
That’s why it’s important to prepare yourself thoroughly before carrying out any goal (this includes, first of all, a change in your attitude): train yourself first!
You can’t run a marathon overnight without training.
You can’t decide to meditate for an hour if the flight of a fly still distracts you.
And of course, you can’t just get rid of your laziness, negativity, jealousy, etc., and start being happy in a few weeks just because you decided to.
Never again tell yourself “I’m going to take things more calmly from now on,” or forbid yourself to have negative thoughts.
You’ll only end up frustrated when you realize that within less than a day, you’ve already broken your resolution twenty times.
Train first, as if you wanted to climb Everest: first, go up the stairs of your house without getting tired; then climb the little hill nearest you; when you can do that easily, aim for part of Mount Aneto; and little by little, through small challenges, many months later, you’ll be ready to reach the summit of Everest.
“Okay, I get how to climb Everest, but HOW DO I CHANGE MY ATTITUDE?”
The most important thing about all this is not just that improving your attitude makes you a better person — it also prepares you so that when storms come, they may shake you, but they won’t knock you down.
No one is ready to face an unwanted change of plans — much less a tragedy.
But, as with everything, just as an athlete recovers better from an injury than a sedentary person, and a fit woman recovers faster from childbirth than one who hasn’t moved from her couch since she got hooked on TV shows, someone with a well-trained brain will recover faster from a blow in life.
Keith Harrell, in his book Attitude Is Everything, gives you ten tools to train your attitude.
Now I’ll tell you about them — but once you’ve read Keith’s tools, don’t forget to choose which one you’re going to learn to use first.
When you already know how to use the first one and are an expert at it, only then can you move on to the second.
Tools you’ll need to learn to use to “re-form” your attitude
Tool 1: Self-coaching?
Words have incredible power. And what you tell yourself every day is what you will become.
You must keep in mind that we can be much crueler to ourselves than to anyone else.
Every time you insult yourself for having made a mistake, think about whether you’d be capable of saying the same thing to your child or to a friend. I promise your answer will be: “How could I say something like that to someone! That’s cruel!”
Positive thinking doesn’t just work magically — but negative thinking works even less.
When you realize you’re insulting yourself, stop and think: would I say this to a good friend?
If your answer is “no,” then apologize (internally).
More information about how to use this tool here.
Tool 2: Discover your motivation (or your “why”).
Helping other people be happier because it makes you feel good, being able to spend more time with your family, being able to help your parents, affording a trip, living wherever you want, contributing something to the world before you die…
Everyone has a “why.”
Think about what yours is, and when you find it, remind yourself of it often to stay motivated — because for any goal you set in life, no matter how small, you’ll find a thousand obstacles and problems.
And you’ll need to remind yourself of your “why” many times to keep going.
Don’t have a “why” and feel like your life is a mess?
There are two things you might want to know about that:
- A possible reason why you can’t find it (and how not to confuse purpose with vocation).
- The purpose of life you share with me — and that should serve you, without further aspirations.
Tool 3: Enthusiasm (you can’t use this tool without your “why” tool).
How many times do you meet someone and ask how they are, and they say, “Well, here,” or “Hanging in there,” or the classic “Can’t complain”?
Ugh! What a depressing answer. It transmits hopelessness to me.
For me, the answer lies in this exercise:
Write down what you’d like to do with your life if you had a fairy godmother who could grant you ten wishes that depended on you (and who would grant them to you throughout your life as long as you worked to achieve them).
You are that fairy godmother — or fairy godfather — or fairy whatever-you-please; these days one hardly knows how to write without offending someone.
Now seriously — it’s such a simple exercise that you’ll be embarrassed not to know how to do it without this example template.
If you really can’t find enough wishes beyond winning the lottery (which doesn’t count because it doesn’t depend on you), you can start by understanding what on earth drives you in life.
This is achieved by knowing your values.
When you find meaning in all this, I promise two things will happen in your life — almost without you realizing it:
- Your charisma will increase; and
- You’ll spread enthusiasm in your meetings, your job interviews, and every time someone greets you with an innocent “How are you?”
Tool 4: Visualization
Nowadays, elite athletes spend more and more time training their minds, because there is already plenty of scientific evidence proving that the power of our mind is incredible.
As the greatest leader in human history said: Faith moves mountains.
Have faith in yourself. Visualize yourself achieving your goal, and train your mind to be stronger than your weaknesses.
The same goes for starting a project that gives you no sense of security: visualize yourself sitting down every day with your coffee in front of your computer, working on your project. It’ll be easier to carry it out.
I’m not the one saying this — the coach of the Chicago Bulls and the Lakers said it: forcing his players to visualize success and to visualize themselves scoring was the key to their success.
Tool 5: Replace the negative inputs that reach your brain with positive ones.
The news — and other people (especially older ones) — can be a terrible source of negativity.
You can’t run away from your parents, your uncles, or your skeptical friends — they love you and are surely wonderful people. But you can avoid letting their negativity affect you.
For example:
Every time you’re with a very negative friend who shoots down your ideas, call afterward a friend who is the embodiment of positivity and recharge your batteries.
Don’t read the news in the morning. It will drain all your positive energy.
Read it at another time and always end by finding a cheerful, positive story to keep with you.
There are hundreds of social media channels that can help with this: you can start by subscribing to this Friday newsletter (mdv).
If it doesn’t amuse you, “La Hoya’s” doesn’t just bring good news — it brings the advice I wish I had been given 20 years ago.
Tool 6: The Power of Words
Be careful with how you speak and what you talk about. Criticism is negative (for everyone), cursing is negative and unpleasant for those around you.
If you don’t have anything positive to say, better keep your mouth shut. You will be the battery drain for others — and for yourself.
On the other hand, a positive comment can brighten someone’s day. Use this tool to help yourself and others.
Your attitude at every moment reflects who you are. And words, along with actions, are your main mirror.
Does this mean you can’t vent from time to time? Of course not.
Venting on someone’s shoulder can be very positive. But be careful with your approach when doing it, and above all, watch how many shoulders you unload on.
Tool 7: The Power of Being Grateful
There are countless studies showing the benefits of being grateful. It costs nothing and is positive for everyone — so why not practice gratitude?
I’ll list the benefits you will get by being grateful, and I had to copy Marcos from Fitness Revolucionario because it’s impossible to explain it more clearly:
- Better overall health, both physical and mental (study, study).
- Less stress, anxiety, and depression (study, study, study, study).
- Greater job satisfaction and satisfaction with life in general (study, study).
- Better sleep (study).
- Better academic performance (study).
- Better personal relationships (study, study).
- Less materialism and envy (detail, detail, study).
- Less aggression (studies).
I won’t say anything more about gratitude, because every Friday I send an amazing newsletter on how to practice it by leading by example.
Tool 8: Connect with Your “Spiritual Power”
You don’t need to believe in the afterlife or mystical things. Simply learn to be alone (or with yourself) without being your worst enemy with your thoughts.
This is nothing more and nothing less than learning to meditate or practice mindfulness.
Elsa Punset said in a recent interview that knowing yourself is really complicated because we never dedicate time to it.
Knowing yourself better, understanding what caused each of your reactions, and being clear and honest with yourself is the first step you need to take before making a change in attitude or setting a goal. Otherwise, how will you change something you don’t even know?
Tool 9: Illuminate Your Life with Humor
Humor is mega-motivating. Laughing provides positive energy stronger than any drug because it makes our body produce a massive amount of endorphins.
(Endorphins are neurotransmitters responsible for making us feel well-being and happiness.)
So, watch funny movies and series, stand-up shows that laugh at the negative news you’ve seen, read funny books.
You’ll have a great time, and your energy will be very different without you even noticing.
Tool 10: Exercise
Although it may seem otherwise, exercise doesn’t take energy from you. It gives you energy, simply because exercise makes you healthier. That’s why more and more people go for a run or hit the gym before work… at 6 a.m.!
Movement is medicine. It reduces the risk of almost all known diseases and is the best therapy against aging. It is also necessary to gain muscle and improve your visual appearance, whether you are male or female. The minimum effective dose is small. Just 3–4 hours per week reduces the risk of multiple diseases. No excuses.
Now that you are aware that your attitude is determined 90% by four factors, but that your brain or mind can modify your genetics in your favor, and you know which tools you can use to do it, I’m going to give you two “very strong” recommendations:
- Choose Your Environment Wisely If you surround yourself with people who complain, criticize, and only focus on the negative, sooner or later you will end up behaving the same way, because you will have built that environment for yourself. If, on the other hand, you surround yourself with people who talk about ideas, possibilities, values, or positive goals, you will end up thinking and acting the same way. When someone around you says: “It’s just that life is unfair.”
You can think: “Well, I’m not going to waste time being unfair to myself.” You are your own company 24 hours a day, so start treating yourself with care and surrounding yourself with those who make you grow.
- Never Forget That Attitude Is a Choice Every morning you have the opportunity to choose who you are going to be that day.
You can be the version that complains, or the one that takes action.
You can be the one who blames, or the one who learns.
You can be the one who fears, or the one who faces. The difference between those who move forward and those who stay stuck almost always lies in this simple but powerful choice:
to live consciously. So, before you start your day, remember:
Your thoughts create your words.
Your words shape your actions.
Your actions define your attitude.
And your attitude builds your life.
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